If it's Black, it Must be Portland...

Help! I'm in the Twilight Zone and I'm starting to sink! Portland may not have much of a fashion style, but it definitely has a "look" and it's starting to creep into my closets...Here's what it looks like:

1. Black. Raincoat. Pants. Shoes. All the other stuff, too.

2. Clunky shoes. Also black. (I've also seen completely impractical pointy femme-bitch black boots with four-inch stilletto heels, but I'm thinking these are mostly worn by Russian and girls at PSU.)

3. Those messenger bag/book bags casually slung shoulder-to-shoulder. Today I saw 5 in a row on the street--those kind where you get to pick 3 panels in the colors of your choice...I found myself imagining my bag in my colors and then I could hear the sucking sound of Portland-itis and I had to run to Starbucks to clear my head with some caffeine--oh, no they're corporate owned, Seattle's Best - oh, no, aren't they owned by Starbucks? Coffee People? oh hell, I'll go to the Broadway Cafe owned by an Iranian guy who lets you sit as long as you like and isn't in the devil's pocket...at least it's not Satan Starbucks...

4. If you're an older woman (let's say, more than 30), you've got to have hip eyeglasses - preferably black, but if you're artsy, some shrieky pink-red or chartreuse will do. They can't be round, only rectangular or boxy and definitely shout, "I may be old, but I'm still edgy."

5. No makeup. No excessive cleavage. No fake nails (unless you're black and then you can get away with it, because pretty much all white folks would agree that black women can nail looking amazing while going completely overboard on all the above...)

I see all this on the streets, at PSU and on the bus, where everyone's distracted or plugged in to their music or wrapped up in a book so I can watch them and take notes...